Memories of War
by Kristen3
Summary: Set during GFA. Sidney helps Hawkeye make sense of the incident on the bus, and gives him hope for the future. One-shot. Birthday gift for samanddianefan10. :) Rating is for language (and themes, obviously).


**Author's Note:** I've wanted to do something like this for Melinda ( **samanddianefan10** ) for some time now. She and I share a love for many of the same shows, and this is one of them. Although I haven't watched _MASH_ as much as I used to, I've never forgotten it, especially the way it ended. I thought it was only appropriate to do something on the Hawkeye/Sidney relationship, and the incident on the bus in honor of her day, and all of her support. *Hugs*

Hawkeye could feel tears running down his face. "Oh, God, Sidney."

"I'm sorry, Hawkeye, but you needed to remember that. You'd been repressing it, which was why you were having so much trouble lately."

"Oh, so now that I remember _that_ , I'm OK?" Hawkeye asked, in shock.

"I didn't say that," Sidney calmly responded. "But now that we've got that incident out in the open, we can deal with it. As painful as this is, it's a step toward healing."

"An 'incident'? That's what you call it?" Hawkeye asked. "I call it murder. One I'm partially responsible for."

"What that mother did to her baby was tragic. No one can deny that. But baby could've put you all in danger. That baby's life might very well have saved yours."

"But it was a baby!" Hawkeye said. "An innocent baby, and she killed it. How am I supposed to live with that, huh, Sidney? You're the shrink with all the answers."

"As much as I've read and studied the human mind, there are still some things that don't have easy answers. This is one of them. You've seen a lot of things since you've been here in Korea. Things I probably can't imagine. This is a war."

"Oh, is that what this is?" Hawkeye asked sarcastically. "I thought this was a really bad vacation."

Sidney rolled his eyes. He knew Hawkeye often used humor as a defense mechanism, and who could blame him? Frankly, it was a miracle that these places weren't more crowded with doctors and nurses, people who'd seen the cost of war up close. "What I was trying to say is, this is a war, and war makes people do things that someone who's never been here can't even conceive of."

"Yeah, that's the same speech Henry and Potter gave me every time I asked why there were so many young kids in the OR. But at least those kids came over here knowing the risks. Even if they were barely old enough to drive back home, they at least understood there was a chance they'd never come back. But that baby sure as hell didn't know the risks!"

Sidney reached over placing a hand on his patient's shoulder. He found that sometimes touch could do more than his words ever could. "I can't argue with you," he admitted. "Everything you're saying is true. It was something no mother should have to even contemplate doing. But this is war, and war is hell. It's very likely that most of the world will never even know what happened on the bus that day. When history remembers the Korean Conflict, there probably will be no mention of that baby anywhere. But you'll never forget, will you?"

Hawkeye shook his head. "That's my problem, Sidney. Every time I close my eyes, I see that baby. I don't even know it was a he or a she. I just know that it wasn't alive anymore."

"You're haunted," Sidney said simply. "I can't blame you. Frankly, I don't know what I'd have done under those circumstances. But you're a fine doctor, an excellent surgeon."

"I know! That's what I've been telling you!" Hawkeye exclaimed. "Keeping me here sure isn't helping the war effort!"

"It's not," Sidney said. "But I'm more interested in _your_ welfare than Korea's. Every day, it seems as if we're getting closer to peace, and closer to going home. I want you to go home to that little town you've told me about. What was the name? Crabapple Cove?"

For just a moment, Hawkeye Pierce smiled. Home. It seemed a million miles away (and it nearly literally was), but suddenly, he could see it so clearly. He wanted to be there so badly it was like a physical ache. But then he remembered where he was. Just like that, his vision of home was gone.

Sidney had watched the change in Hawkeye's body language at the mention of returning to the States. "I want you to go back there," he repeated. "But I want you to go back whole. Not a broken man with memories he tries to bury. That would be doing a disservice to your hometown. They need a doctor, don't they?"

"They've got one," Hawkeye answered. "My father."

"I'm sure he's a fine doctor, but don't you think he'd like to have his son there with him?"

"Yeah," Hawkeye said, smiling again. "But what do I do about these memories? They're not going away, Sidney."

"Well, it seems to me you'd like to atone for the innocent life lost. Maybe the best way to do that is to go home, and give your town the best doctor they've ever had. You'll be helping others, even though you couldn't help this one."

Sidney's explanation, so simple, and yet so profound. How had Hawkeye not thought of it? It was something Father Mulcahy would've said, if he'd ever had a chance to discuss the subject with the 4077th's resident man of God. Suddenly, he wished he could see Mulcahy again. He wanted to see all of them again: Potter, Margaret, Klinger, even BJ and his cheesy mustache. Up until now, he'd just wanted to get out of this nuthouse. It didn't matter where he went. But now he wanted to go _to_ something, not just away from something. Once he had a chance to thank his fellow comrades, he wanted to go home. To see his dad, of course, adjust to being back home again, and then start the next chapter of his life. Now he had something he'd never really had before: a purpose. And it had come out of the most horrific thing he'd witnessed here in Korea. Tragedy, it seemed, had reminded him of what was truly important. He wished he could relive that day on the bus, and stop it before it happened, but that was impossible. He couldn't undo what had been done, but he was beyond grateful that Sidney Freedman was able to pick up the pieces.

 **The End**


End file.
